I want to like it. I want to like it so badly. I want the stable relationship and the stable job. The easy day to day. Never running out of bread and milk because you routinely pick it up on the way home. I want things to be easier.

But that’s not me. I’ve had the stable guy, the good guy, the reliable guy. But it bored me. He bored me. The guy that would bring me coffee in the morning and made sure I knew that it was me who he wanted. But it bored me.

My life has had a lot of different chapters so far and many of them, in fact maybe most of them, have had a lot of drama. At first I thought maybe I was cursed or being punished. Maybe it was somehow, something magical like fate or the universe was challenging me. That I was destined in some way to have such bizarre and complex challenges. Situations that I can’t even begin to explain to people without 30 minutes of back story and context.

But then I realised it was me. I attract the drama and I am attracted to the drama. I’m so tired of complicated, convoluted problem. It’s tiring having to keep tract of it all. But I also can’t stand the thought of being boring. Being “normal”.

I probably need to find the middle ground. The grey area between the black and white extremes. Grey areas have always been a challenge for me. Grey is a boring colour. Grey is a stable colour.

I want the stable relationship. I want a partner who shows me love and reassures me without being asked. But I am not generally attracted to that. I want my own home but instead of staying  here and working and saving for a mortgage I am planning a year long trip to Australia.

I want these things, or at least I think I want these things. But maybe I only want them because I think I should want them. Maybe what I want is excitement, freedom, risk and adventure.